8 Tips To Help Console A Grieving Friend
By Kate S Evans, LCPC
When a friend is grieving the loss of a loved one we can feel helpless in making it better or easier for them. Sometimes we think we’re doing the right thing by trying to cheer them up, pointing out the positives or letting them know they should move on. Unfortunately what we’re usually doing is putting more pressure on them or leaving them feeling invalidated. Here are some things to help you to be a true support.
1. Let go of time expectations – The person grieving may struggle for longer than expected. If this happens, regardless of how frustrating or frightening it may before you, let them grieve however they need, without judgment.
2. Recognize the stages of grief – Most people suffering a loss will go through these stages, often in no particular order and sometimes repeating stages: Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and finally Acceptance. Each one is healthy and necessary. The more familiar you are with these stages, the better equipped you'll be to support your friend.
3. Variables to grief – One person’s grief is never the same as another’s. It depends on the cause and length of death and dying, the personal resiliency of the grieving person, what their previous experiences have been, how large their support network is and their relationship to the lost one. Be understanding of how this can change their experience of grief from your own or someone else you have known.
4. Resist telling them how strong they are – We are tempted to praise the person who appears to be coping stoically with a loss. What we may be doing is setting a precedent that they have to always be this strong, rather than allowing them to be human and vulnerable.
5. Offer the bereaved ways to memorialize – Funerals and memorial services work to give support and closure to the bereaved. We can also memorialize in other ways, like planting a tree, writing letters or having remembrance gatherings.
6. Ask them what they need – It’s normal to feel you can guess what they need based on what you might need in their position. Because of the differences in all of us, it is best to ask them what it is that you can do for them. If they are in such a tough place that they say “I don’t know” or “Nothing” resist the desire to walk away in frustration. Grief can make decision-making very difficult. Just offer your support in whatever way you can and let them know that you will be there when they think of something.
7. Continue to check in on them – At the time of a funeral many people offer help and support to the grieving person. As the weeks and months pass everyone’s lives move forward and they generally forget to follow up on their offerings of help and support. Be the person who does follow up. You don’t have to give all of your energy, but your caring will be appreciated and will give untold comfort.
8. Recommend help – There is only so much that a friend or family member can offer to someone who is grieving without putting too much strain on themselves. Gently suggest seeking therapeutic help to give them a special place to cope with their loss.
Keep in mind as well that loss is not just felt through death. It can be the loss of a job, a divorce, the loss of an ideal or expectation and so much more. Loss is a difficult thing to work through and your role as a supporter is a special and vital one.
